Nestapa

i post this in my fb earlier.
i wanna post it again here.

Sebab kita ini lemah, tidak boleh lari dari berduka dan mengharungi Nestapa.

Mungkin kerana Tuhan lupa yang kita lemah, maka dihadapkan Nestapa ke atas kita.

atau mungkin juga Tuhan memang sengaja memaksudkannya sebegitu, sebab Dia tahu kita tidak selemah sepertimana yang kita sangka.

Setiap Manusia ada pedoman. Setiap Manusia ada iman. Setiap Manusia ada kuman. 

itu Tuhan juga yang mengaturkannya. 

Nestapa itu akan jadi pedoman buat yang beriman. Nestapa akan jadi kuman buat kebanyakan Manusia. 

but again, i rasa, kalau u r in miserable, then jgn u lost urself too deep. macam give up for rasa very low self - esteem. 

sbb once u rasa macam tu, u wont go anywhere out of the problem - u akan make ur life even more miserable.

kalau macam i, susah sikit nak express diri like menangis or even marah.

i akan keliru sekejap, then lost in myself.

then now, i feel much better.

sbb i senyum.

so no matter how hard it is, yg penting senyum. susah hati walau macam mana pun, kalau senyum semua akan okay.

mr motivator.

Exam da habih

penat woo. tp wtf, bukan study sgt pun. huhu. thats just me. lazy boy.
penat in the mind la, keep on thinking about the exam, but never really seriously study.

so arini last paper, i tinggal 1 soklan. siut susah. aduii x baca lak pasal journal entries for accounting. huhu. nak buat macam mana, xyah pikiaq la. da habis. aku nak enjoy ja pas ni.

shit, tp bila pikir balik, cuti sem ni, aduii punye la sekejap. aku naek flight gi sibu, montot x panass lagi dok kat umah tuh, dah kena patah balik ke utp balik.
so, dari aku bazir duit beli tket flight ke sarawak yg hanya akan memenatkan aku dalam perjalanan je, aku kali ni igt nak enjoy2 di kl.(wah, macam first time enjoy2 d kl. its like everytime kut lepak bukit bintang)

entah la, dah la badan gua macam nangka da skrg nih, macam malas nak kuar pun ada jugak ... tambah2 bila pakai baju pink hiv philosophy ni. macam nangka yg drag pun ade rasenya. cuma x pakai heels je lagi ni.


malas nya nak work out skrg ni. like very malas, i dont feel like to get fit anymore.

i like it to be like this. carefree. i dont have to jaga makan anymore - dulu kan main, punya la nak jaga makan, nasi x sentuh sebulan bulan nih. skrg, pagi nasi, tgh pagi nasi, tgh hari nasi, malam nasi,  tgh malam hot dog, eh silap, nasi jugak. aduii mana x kembumg kempis perut nih. adehh..

i really need some inspiration to get back to the normal me . xmao da jadi chubby2 ni. kalau betul2 chubby, xpe jugak, ade je chubchaser yg nak, ni chubby pun tidak, tough pun tidak, slim pun tidak, nak kate average pun x boleh.. awang awangan sangat. dah la konfius jati diri, konfius saiz badan jugak. ni dah kes teruk ni.

macam the very chronic one. shit! xmao la ckp pasal menda2 yg boleh menaikan tekanan darah aku ni. kang tekanan darah naik, aku mesti nak makan. sbb lapar kan. huwahahaha.



ape lagi aku nak ngarut sini?
xde pape kut. da. gua chow la bro.

yg ikhlas dan jujur,

mr malayu.

Never stop

ive been reviewing back what are the thing that i ve wrote in this blog.
i m here to admit it that ive been brutally abuse the usage of english in this blog. well, it does help me though in real life that now, i have this kind of good confident level to talk in english.

that is no 1 never stop. i wont stop writting.

no 2 is about my jogging and working out routine.
last night i spend a long night with my best buddy. we have this pillow talk session talking about a lot of stuff.
then he show me one of his fren in fb, which is a very hot guy.
and my point is, that guy manage to firm up his flabby and stocky body to this one hot and hunk type of body in just one month.

so i have this thing in my mind that, its possible too for me to at least firm up my body and buckle up some flabby side and build up some muscle in one month just like that guy. just that im not stocky like him la at the beginning of the routine.

im going back to perhentian island again. so far that is my plan. so to be prepare for the beach, im going to start this extreme daily routine for one week to get rid my fat in my side and firm up my muscle.
im going to start maybe a juice diet for the whole week or only eat the bread. i dont know yet. but ive come across this one site writting stuff like getting rid of fat in just one week - extreme way but only can be done in just one week and that exactly the only time i have bfore i go to perhentian.

so thats about no 2.


no 3 is never stop looking for my significant other. i m going to have a date with this guy - i will refer him as MR M from this moment. he love to jog and travel - me too. he enjoy some quite moment - me too. and he is dark and so malay look and big.
just let go and take the chance to meet him. thats all i want to do now. i know i really need some one that can control me, take care of me, that i can love him and care for him, so here we go. and we will see from there where we lead.


no 4. never stop studying. i wont. i dont want to start it all over again. its hard already for the second time. i dont want to do it again. so i wont stop studying. i will finish this. i will.


sincerely,
mr Soooooo Positive.

(thats happend when i do something good in my life like jogging i feel like all the positive energy rushing into me and make me wanna be a better person and leave all the bad side of me behind. )

i wish i am in a nightmare now.

so that, tomorrow morning, when i wake up, ill become someone i would like to be.
someone that study so hard, that his first paper is just 4 day to come.
that the next week, he is going to have 2 paper on the monday and still have 3 more paper after that.

i hope, when i wake up, my mind will stop thinking about sex because in my dream right now, all the thing that i can think of is about getting laid.

i hope that the next morning, i am actually dont have stuff like gayromeo, manjam, grindr, boyahoy, and everything.
that the next day, i will start fresh and new and cant rmmber anything about my nightmare.
that ill start do stuff like jogging and running, and swimming and working out.

i hope that the next morning, ill b the guy that people will like. that everyone will say hi to me, talk to me, not because they want something from me, but just talk.

i hope that the next morning, i can be myself again. that ill lose all the very low self-worth thing. that ill have all the self-esteem and believe in myself that i know, i can do this and that. that i have this believe that, im going to be alright and ill succeed this.

i hope that, ill be a better person. like, i dont smoke, i dont drinks, i dont do drugs and i dont do sex with random people. i hope that ill forget how cool is it to smoke, ill forget how fun is it on drug and how great is it to have sex. i hope that i know nothing about this stuff.

above all, i hope that the next morning when i wake up - i will wake up strong and start to accept of who i am.


sincerely,
mr. indenial.

Y?

is a simple question to ask when we dont know what else to ask.

and that lead to my state of being now  - y am i doing this to myself?

im such a fucking loser in LOVE. oh, i believe that ill never found myself one. i dont think i deserve any.
im a total loser in studying. im screwing myself. im not good at all. if there is a rank of a total loser - i could easily b on top.

then again, y am i doing all these?

did i mention that i start to drink now? like i cant stop thinking of drinking. last week was the week of drinking.
almost every night i get myself drunk. n i feel good about it. but now i feel bad.

and last week - my second time trying stuff like getting high.

i know its not a good thing at all to write it here, but, i just want to be true to myself.

ive been hiding myself and try to deny everything i felt about stuff like drinking and get high, but now i have to admit it to myself that , i am enjoying every moment of it.

thats y i feel bad now.

i keep on saying to myself that im a real bad guy now.
if there was somekind of example of a very not good gay teenager - i can be the one.

thats all.

sincerely,
mr out of mind.

Sampai menutup mata

indahnya dunia ini.


im a very bad guy.
i can already see where it lead about me n my prince charming. mr y. he is not as charming as i expected him to be. but he is still a cool guy. and i still like that about him. 2 reason i dont think we can make a good couple :

1. he didnt reply to me - as he is bz
2. i got this friend who i believe will not b happy if im with him. - telling me stuff like, hey, mr y now in this concert, with his new scandal. hey, u know what, mr y bbm i just now. hey, mr y this, my that to me.. and that annoy me.

but most importantly, i dont like it when he didnt text me when he shud. but im ok. cheers.


so my journey is still on.

ive met this new guy.

our meeting is like this.
im so high, on ice - so horny too.

so i text him, to have fun with me. he is kinda so malay look, dark which i prefer the most, and muscular.
everything was so sudden.

without knowing exactly where the place he want we to meet, at what time exactly, and without his phone num, i go there and wait for him.

about 5 minutes, im planning to just go, then someone in white sleeveless shirt say hai to me.
i was a bit shocked and surprised too, for he look so different in real.

handsomely different. and i like him.

this time, he will be mr s. and his face look like hardy mirza but dark version.


mr s talk to me about everything. including that he is attached.

thats sad....


i dont feel like to write anymore.. tomorrow i cont.

sincerely
mr sober.

Pulau perhentian

hi to all.
long time already i didnt write to my buddy(blog) here.
its been a long week and so bz with my test and everything.
worse come to the worst, i left my laptop charger with my fren, n he left it in his fren house. so thats wonderful. haha.

first i must update on my jogging routine.
everything was going smooth. lately i feel to tired n dont feel like to jog. so thursday last week the last day of my jogging for the week, but gonna start it again today.
jogging is good, but i ate like pig. haha.

second is my prince charming. not that i put him in the second in my listing, just everything is all important, and he is one of the thing that value the most to me.

so i met mr y in bukit bintang. he is like him in the pic. thats good. except that, he look slightly bigger and taller than in the pic, while me look smaller in the pic. that should explain that in real life, we r opposite of the pic. but thats all. me n him is about the same on height,  but on body size, im buffier than him. i like how his voice sound and he is cool. i like that.

and i think he like me too. the only think that bother me is that, he is so bz with his work, and he is known to b so workaholic, that i dont think i can stand that. i dont like it took more than 30 mnt to reply my msg.
thats me.

and one more thing, its weird that he like to punch me while we r lying on bed and hugging and cuddling. maybe dia geram, i dont know, but that is a bit weird. huhu. above all, everything is good.
and he is cute.!

the other thing was Japan was hit by one of the biggest earthquake ever and tsunami killed thousand of people last friday. that was so scary. Mr A is still there. Mr A is my long distance fren and bf to be soon enough, if we r good, and im so worried about him. he work in tokyo and luckily everything was fine there. but still i think that he still in trauma and what not. i myself is so in trauma when i was in my boarding school and suddenly the ground is shaking. that was so scary. i cant even say it in word. its a total scary thing to think about. and i hope he is doing good overthere. i feel bad that i cant chatt enough with him because ym is being blocked in here, and maxis line (for my iphone and the only way i can online on ym) is SUCKS!! LIKE HELL!!. thats how suck it is.

me and my fren even make a joke about the bad service here in my campus, we r planning to SULA (this is in malay, i dont know what in english for this word), we r planning to sula the monkey (a lot of its at the back of our campus because the forest is so thick that u can even have the chance to watch the pig crossing the road together with the anak and the datuk nenek of the babi), infront of the cctv (cctv is everywhere now, but not the wireless maxis line, and other thing, ... stupid isnt it?) and put the SULAAN in the dataran kafe - as a mock to the admin. thats is a scary thought, isnt it? but yeah, if u live here, i bet u would think the same way or even worse. haha.

but thats about the JAPAN and my Sucks! campus.

lastly is about my trip.
last weekend, was our mid sem break for 4 days.
i was planning to hang out in kl, but then again i think, i will end up shopping like hell that i will spend a lot.
so the next thing come up in my mind was to go to the pulau. a sweet get away kan?

so pulau perhentian is it.
i go there with my 2 girl fren, and yeah. it was one of awesome trip i ever had.
first the long beach is a great beach. the crystal clear water there can clear all of my stress of studying. the food was awesome. the mat saleh there was all sexy. i couldnt ask for more. its a great trip.
and partying on the beach at night was so much fun!.

i m planning to go there again in the may, anyone would like to join me?
=)

here some of my pic in pulau perhentian. dont overdrool urself, k?

gadis pulau - =)

so thats it.
maybe on the 25-27 march ill b going to phuket lak. aiyoo. cant wait also.

bye.

sincerely,
mr travel a lot, but got so little money guy.
haha

My exercise routine 3

enough .

today the jogging routine is still on, despite of yesterday i  was stuffing myself with crazy fats and all.

so, new record - 1hour of jogging for 9.08km. that is pretty impressive. by tomorrow, i guess, i will reach 10km per hour. so ill keep on doing this routine for the entire month so at the end of march, i will have that beach body!

nothing so special about the jogging. its only jogging, for God sake.












......i am a crazy boy! im in love with my prince charming, that i cant stop thinking of him!

the end

im doom. super doom.
this is the end of my prince charming i guess.

i made a big mistake today.
its because of i cant stand any longer of the waiting.
i text, he will reply. then later, i sent text again, he will silent.

im so not into this game.
just tell me, if u r not interested in me, ill know where i stand. i wont b so eager to text to u.
but the way he replying my text, as if he want it some more. that make me sick. i dont know what shud i do.

so td, after a long silent, i sent him this msg,

me : hey, here the silent come....

him : omg, im having my dinner, y so pushy?


then i got crazy. i do not know what to reply to him.
so i let the time pass. my plan is to wait till tomorrow , ill text him again.

but not long after that, he send me a msg, he say sorry for being harsh. he didnt mean it, he was rushing eating in kfc, thats maybe he is alone i guess. and he tell me that he dont want we all b negative. he was hoping for tomorrow to b better.

yeah, its my bad. i know. u dont need to tell me. i m aware of it.

i feel bad. so bad. i dont think im the right guy for him.
he is like a perfect guy, im just a simple boy.

i m so doom.

he is like this,














not necessarily the same la. i know u guys wont agree lor.. haha



and his exBF is like this,

this time, i literally mean it the same.

and me is like this,

    

im handsome too what. haha.

i dont know.
please help me.

and the Award goes to...

again, my club. tonight was a splendid night.
despite of all the drama and up and down, my club,(or) especially my team manage to win this UTP CoQ appreciation (distinctive may i say it ) award for three years in a row.

our bond get stronger each time pass the drama, and yeah, we are definitely a family.

thats about the CoQ night that end just now, and i stuff myself with all the food. today is no workout day, no jogging day, just eat, eat, eat n more of eating. tomorrow is the day to burn all that fat ass!

my prince charming is ok today. he said he is a bit tired but he is free today, though tomorrow is still  bz day.
im hoping for more reply from him but it didnt turn out so well. so i had to bare with it. i dont know whether this guy is the type of not very into texting, or he just not that into me, i dont know. but the way he entertain my msg as if he is wanting more of me but still holding back something. and i dont really into this game.

my paper for SBE, urm, kacang la. i think i manage to answer all question. maybe 5% lor i tibai, but tibai with logic la. i get out 30mnts early from the exam hall, because i want to pee. hahah. sebab before that i makan the chocolate and minum air byk2. makan lagi kan?? asyik makan, dah la x jogging langsong. hhuhu..

its ok la. above all, today is still one of the sweet day!

127 hours

i find it hard for me to put up a title for every of my post in this blog.
so, dont bother to know why the 127 hours. im not going to make a review about that movie, yeah i just finish watching that movie, but if it not because of the actor, i will think twice to watch that movie. u go watch it, then u know how they manage to put a 5 days of torture that end with this guy cutting his hand to a 1.30 hours of movie. ok?

ive done my 1 hr jogging today, with a total 8.5km. im sure running faster than yesterday. i will stop at increasing my km after i hit 10km per day. then i will squeeze that 10km in shorter time interval

so lets see how it goes.

my prince charming did sent me a msg today, he told me to bare with his business of work. its not always as bz as now. since it is early of the year, so thats y he is so bz.

i hope, he will spare enough time with me when he already done with all of the bzness. i dont want him to take me lightly, cuz he is already doing so when he is not replying to all of my msg, but only to certain msg.

but, i hope, he is doing fine. just imagine, my prince charming, only have mee sedap for his dinner. ouh, he is seriously need some help. (im well know the fact how he love to eat nasi)

till i write to u again,

mr boring~

My exercise routine 2

enough about the touchy2 stuff, now i want to update my jogging routine. today i manage to jog for about one hour in 7.12km. that is my new record to date.

to b honest, i dont feel tired or exhausted at all at the end of one hour of jogging. i dont know why.

i weigh my body again after the jogging. its still on 61kg. ouh, this lemak is so stubborn lor.. im expecting at least, some of the lemak and air inside my body is gone through that one hour of jogging, but it turn out not.

for dinner, my fren n i go outside. at first, i planned to order sup sayur, but later i decide not to eat sup sayur, but nasi dagang.

i love to eat food, n this nasi dagang thing u cant find easily. so to hell the sup sayur. haha.

esok kena jogging lagi. huwaa.

Complexity pt. 2

im not in a good mood today. my fren ask me to go out with them, which at first i agreed, then later i have to say no to them. its because i cant stop thinking of my prince charming.

he is so bz lately. i know, it is such a wrong timing for us to get to know each other. he is so bz that he hardly have time to reply my msg.
i used to believe that he might only make excuses and everything, but it wasnt it. because, at time when i expect the least a msg from him arrived.

so i think, that is because he can find a slot to reply my msg. n he say sorry to me.

i want to call him. but i think he is already asleep now.

i really hope that he will do good for tomorrow. td, when i text him, at 840pm, he is still working n not having his dinner yet. how come? that s y im telling him that this is human torture, how come u have to work on the weekend, then still have to work at 8++pm at night?

i said to him that he must take good care of himself, as judging from his text to me, i believe that he is a single man. which i already knew long ago before.

i dont intend to bug him, but when he didnt reply my text, i feel like i want to text to him at all time. that is so wrong... huhu.

i hope that he understand what i feel. that i need his attention too.

Complexity pt. 1

hi again. i didnt go to bed yet, as i know, its hard for me later on to get to sleep when i wake up in the middle of the night. so i decided to write some more on my blog.

yesterday, i received his num. everything was fine. but today, he didnt reply any of my text yet. to date, ive already sent 3 unreply text to him. one was last night before i go to sleep, because he promised me to text me too before he go to sleep, which he did not. 2nd was this morning. and the third one was before i went into the gua tempurung.

i think he must b very bz. last night he told me that he was so tired that he dont think he can finish his job. i felt hopeless cuz i can do nothing to help him. i try to say some funny word. i told him that i can sing a song to him, so that the rain will come down tonight to accompany his sleeping. he was fine with it. he think its kinda cute n funny too. im glad to hear that. not that i want to b cute or what so ever, i m just trying my best to comfort him.

i hope i will get a reply from him today. i dont want to bug him. but at the same time, i want him to know that i cannot stop thinking of him. i dont want to b childish too, that i keep on texting him n being all emotional. i want to talk to him so badly. i do not dare to call him yet, but i seriously wanting to know what he is up to now? is he doing good? have he taken his dinner? ahhh... im so miserably hopeless guy. huhu

i promise my self that i wont text him any more today. i seriously want to b more matured in handling this matter. or should i just saying hi n asking how he is doing today? urghh help me!

i think i m repeating myself as hell now. thats how complex how i feel right now.

what should i do?

hurm..... ( T _ T )




i wish i will have this moment in near future.

this is sickly sweet.

of course the long hair one is me!

Ahad at last!

Ahad is today, and it will going to end soon enough. my weekend was great.

i had a fun moment with my friend again, but the other circle of friend. we went into the gua tempurung, doing all the crazy stunt. some one got injured. but i think it was great.

im so tired, really tired that i dont think of doing my casual jog for today.
im going to have my sleep, then wake up at then night, n study. i hope that im studying, not layan some mid night video. haha.

im really tired and dont think i can write any longer than this.

my weekend was splendid, and i hope urs too.
bye peeps.

sincerely,
im of whom a tired guy today....

the best day ever!

hi guys.

things has been so great lately.
n today is the best day ever i had in my life.

first, because my relationship between me n my roomate is getting better. n i like it. who doesnt?

second, i want to tell u my trip for today.

my fren n i, 17 of us, were going to Sg Klah hot spring in sungkai.
it was for the celebration of our 3 friends that r having their birthday in a row.
there was the cake, the candle the bla bla bla..

but what i like the most is i m having fun with my beloved friend, that is all matter to me. i start to realize that without friend, im no way can survive this little world of mine alone.

we play very loud and happy in the cool water pool. my team is the winner of course, n i m the top scorer. haha. it was so much fun, that i cant describe to u with word. i wish i can upload some photos later. wait till my friend give it to me. =)

then we go to the hot spring water. but before that, we boiled our egg, not literally, but the egg that we have brought illegally from outside and also not to mention the hot dog which is strictly prohibited.haha.
we have a good snack-lunch for a while there.

then the hot spring pool. it was so refreshing and exhausting at the same time. i cant tell how fast my heart beat, because of the high temperature. also, my skin turn to red in colour as if im already cooked enough n ready to be served. haha.

then, we have this exciting game. we play ball (rm5 ye the bola, it would cost less than rm2 actually). others play cards. and some of them take a little nap.

after all done, we headed to ipoh to jalan2 cari makan. thats when i have some syisya moment with my fren.
it was fun to chit chatt and hisap syisya n makan2.

i dont know why, i got so high on the syisya. that was my 2nd time. maybe i hardly smoke nowadays. im thinking of quiting smoking anyway. not that im a regular smoker before, i also hardly smoking before, just that i think, better to quit rather than to b addicted to smoking.

but syisya is different. i got so high, and so like ting tong. i dont eat my tomyam sayur, i dont drink my hot tea. i just cant.

then, after the session finish, we heading to our car, and i suddenly feel like to throw up. yuck! that the first time im doing it because im high. i cant imagine how much i already ate on the day, because i throw up so much. haha. yucks again! i feel it kinda funny though.

then in the car, i remind my fren that they may stop if i feel to throw up again. and yeah, thats happend.
i feel bad for them. but i think i cant help it. i got my stomach twisting because there is nothing to throw up anymore, but yet i feel like to throw everything out of my stomach.

in other way, its good, cuz i ate a lot today. =)

but, i almost touched by my friend in the car. they r so sweet i think.
they were so worry about me. i mean, its just syisya for god sake. haha. i m kinda so weak that cant even stand the syisya effect while my girl fren, she was driving, she had syisya too, n there wass nothing happend to her. haha. thats funny. i find it kinda funny.

but anyway, everything was fun. after the second throwing up session, i had been better, n we start to sing this sex song in the car.

"penat sayang, badanku sangat penat, mengangkang utk kau selalu" - this is to give brief idea of the song.

the original song is baik baik sayang, by wali band.

haha.

and thats it.


i love today.


..................wait!


i forgot to tell u something. my prince charming, after the several day of being silent and i almost give up my hope on him. so i sent mail to him, saying that, its nice knowing him. and hope he will do fine.its kinda urmmmm.... emotional a bit, sad a bit, frustrated a bit, hopeless a bit, but soon later i got his reply saying that, he didnt mean to b silent to me.  just that he is so bz that he cant find a suitable time to reply me. i know he is a bz man, i shouldnt have sent that mail i think.

but it lead to a good things. he sent the mail along with his phone num.
i think what he was thinking is that, texting via phone is better than in manjam.
i dont expect it to be this fast. giving out phone number is a next stage.
im afraid, the faster u get something, the sooner u will lose it. and i dont want to lose this imaginary relationship yet. he and me, doesnt know enough about one another.
i hope that wont happen. seriously.

lets us see where it lead us.

sincerely,

hopeless Lover.

i love this movie. i wish i can wake up in the morning and enjoy the nice view of my Prince charming face.

My exercise routine

hi guys. whats up.
i know my blog have change a lot if u guys notice.
im not good at doing this kind of thing, but i like how my blog look like.

but i think its a bit melancholy still, dont u think so?

for the time being, bare with it. im still progressing though.


btw, i want to share with u guys out there, my exercise routine.
n planning to improve it.

by now, i had already started my evening jog in average time 30-50 minutes.
i read a lot of article out there, saying that the ideal time to burn the fats is 40-50 minutes. i think im doing good. in average, i jog for about 4-6km per day.

im planning to start to swim on the next week. i'll do swimming and jogging alternately then.

my objective is to get leaner. thats all. no big muscle, (maybe later, way later ), i just want to focus on getting fit and lean. thats all. but i do include some exercise on to my abs or stomach, my back, my tri n bicep and that is all. i dont intend to do more than just that.


and i hope i will succeed this thing. =)

my program will continue for 60 days. now its only 5 days old. 55 days to go.
to date, my height is 164cm, 61kg in weight (i take the measurement last night after i had a chicken breast meal, carrot juice + tomyam sayur. i expect my weight should b around 59-60kg. )

so, by the end of 60 days, i hope, i got leaner and toner, with 55kg in weight.
hopefully.


but i got one problem here, i tend to eat so much after my exercise. just now, i eat tom yam sayur (again), with 4 slices of gardenia bread with susu, then tiger biscuit and i already finish my 1.5 l mineral water. i mean, what the hell? huh, how am i going to lose some fat if i keep on eating like that.

this one is tempting. did i told u already how much i love to eat? 

whats make me feel good?

d'Walk

i feel like to start it all over again.
i came here too sudden, wrote all the this nonsense stuff too sudden, setting up my blog too sudden. everything was all too sudden.

so i will start it all over again.
first with the title of my blog. when i set it up as Penjiwa, i was a bit melancholy at that time. thats why all the sajak is out. i just get to know that my exbf is already settle down with a new guy. but i dont want to talk about him btw.

now i just want to look forward.
i will update all of my walk in this little world of mine.

so that, you can get the idea of what living the gay life through me is like. i wont promise it to be extravaganza and all, im a very normal guy, living a normal life, just that i think, i got something to say to the world.

and i think, its fun to read it back one day later when i get matured.

so that is about my blog.


and, now i present u, my new name of the blog,

d'Walk. 

Normal

im glad that i manage to wrap up my feeling and everything was back to normal. 

1 is maybe because my prince charming already send me his reply and he sound so sorry to have let me wait.

2 im doing just fine with my roomate. i have several unsettle issue with him before, but everything was back to normal. not as normal as way before the issue la of course, but been better than the previous few week.

i hope my prince charming will take serious part in this new game i invented and play with him in my reply to his no 4 letter.(i will start this numbering system right away now) the game is simple. i ask for him to give me a thing or whatever that describe him the best. for mine, i give him the very first clue of getting to know me, it is one of  my favorite film "Eat.Pray.Love" - i told him how i love to eat that i have to work very hard to keep in shape, then i continue by saying how much i want to b closer to God, but its not progressing very well and lastly i dont think i deserve any love. that s pretty much describe me. and i keep on wondering what will b his reply. i hope his answer will b something like this, "Home" - for he is a family guy, responsible, protective. haha. or more or less like that.

i will not let my guard down this time. i learnt a very important lesson yesterday that if i let loose my guard, ill end up being hopeless Lover. anyway, me n my prince charming is still at the very beginning of our introductory period. i hope this will lead us to a good end. no, i dont want it to end. so i hope, we will keep on b childish, classic and carefree like this forever. 

What am i looking for?

what am i looking for actually?
love? attention? protection? a company?

all i know is that, im longing for something that is not real.
my prince charming did reply my mail yesterday.
i will post the mail though, but not in this entry.

today, i am still waiting for his next reply which is a real pain.
or, is my inbox already full?

ok, lets get back to my question, what am i looking for in here? in manjam, in gayromeo? is it sex? or fren? or chatt? or what?

i used to think that the reason i log in there just because i wanna let people know that im there. that i am gay too. isnt it ridiculous.?


sigh,

im not so sure what am i blabbering about in here. my English is bad. im ok with that. not that my english teacher will go n give mark on this writting.


i m a bit serabut i think. for i do not get his reply, yet.

and im a bit confuse. what am i doing?
im a miserable guy.

little do i know bout my prince charming

i m too childish for him. im too bad for him. im too normal for him. im too poor for him. im too dumb for him. im too nothing for him.

im nobody. i have decent look, though sometime i dress like a gay guy. i have 3 pierce on my ears. do i look gay with that piercing? 

who am i? urgh.. 

this is what i always do when i m stuck by this so-called love thing. im afraid to be loved and to love again.

my first experience, i handle it badly. i damaged myself terribly. 

i lose his love. and it was all my fault. 

the more i dig about this mr Y, the more i feel like i dont deserve him. ah, its not that we r going to end up being a partner or what. but i have this strong feeling about this thing is going to work this time. 

ah, i forgot to tell u, ive been stalk this guy since 2009. but no more than that. i dont even save his fb pic in my lappy. that what most people do when they like a guy, dont u agree with me? i respect his privacy and his relationship. plus i dont think he would spare an attention for me. and plus i dont want to b just a number in anybody fb fren list. (my fren is 150++, his 1500++) 

this feeling is not about sex, or money, or look or what ever.

this feeling is more like future.

can u feel future? if u do, then u would know how i feel.

urgh, i know his story. his ex (or is it?). ah, they two make a very good couple. i cant even match them or him. 

but i do like this guy a lot. 

or do i? or is it just a feeling, that must have gone tomorrow morning when i wake up?

i dont know. i just feel like i need his love right now.

im sorry, S. 

i like Y better than i like u.

My Prince Charming 2.

dear y, (ouh, i have to hide the name i think)

1. hey, i thinks this is a very classic way to get to know each other. call me lame or old, but i love it to b classic. haha.  

2. so u r y. nice name. i too, know that u r from kl at a glance.   im in the middle part of perak,  tronoh. i m wondering if u had ever come to this area. i enjoy the night scene here with all the mamak and lepaking despite the facts that not much we can get out of this little town.

3. when u mention ur job, ahh, i cant wait to get one myself. i mean, its tiring n can b very stressful, but to earn ur own money, that wonderful! tell me more about ur job. u make it sound less fun but i like the idea of the working day. haha. who doesnt?


5. i will never think of my self as sexy. but im very happy to take ur compliment. i think u r the sexy guy here. because u r very simple. not all can appear to b sexy in a simple way. urm, wait, i guess, u r not sexy after all. u r charming.   and i really mean it. 

6. im glad that u like my mail. i think im a very boring person. n i hope i dont bored u with this hell-long mail.

sincerely,
hanafi.

p.s : i cant help but to imagine that u r typing this mail to me in ur towel.  

(i will keep the point no.4 to myself. i find that point is a bit boring)


****

finally, i got his reply.its like forever to wait for his mail, or it is just me to feel this way.

n to be honest - yeah, i cant help myself to think of him being in towel after he told me that he just got out of the shower n reply me.

and as my revenge for the waiting part, i left him waiting until 12 am only then i sent him my reply (his mail reach me at 8pm). haha. bad me. but i really like this guy.


oh btw, here is his mail to me. i want to document this thing. i want to know where it will leads us. n i hope it will b somewhere at the good end. =)

****

Hi hanafi" hey its really cool to like doin this in this email kinda stuff 
Haha im y and im working in kl, im from perak originally 
And yeah at a glance i thought ure a perak boy too anyway 
I dind mind where do u come from from now on 

I just finish shower n all, its a busy week for me cos i might need to do work on weeknds if deadline meet. I work today earlier in the morning and have less time for myself collectively this weeknd . But im gona skip work tomorrow yeahh 

I liked your mysterious mood profile pic " and u know its sexy right ahah . So where inperak is that" i come frm thenvery southnof perak, bagan datoh . 

Great to hear thismfrom you. Hope we can tag along and be whatever it takes. 

Hear you again


***

my prince charming.

hi, lets get to know each other then.

I'm hanafi and I was born on 15 July 1989.
im from sibu sarawak. It is not a very interesting place. :D
currently im studying in perak.

My time is mostly taken up by reading, books and article on the internet. I like to eat lots of foods, so I really struggling to keep myself fit. and fyi, i just got back from my daily jogging routine. ah, that is so gay, isnt it? haha

i like to make fren. i love meeting new people but the problem is I'm socially awkward. which is a bad thing, as people will assume me being arrogant and whatever not. and, just so u know i dont really converse in english.

well, thats all i can think of! im not very good at this. and i think, i already consume a lot time from u to read this little thing about me.

n i would like to hear from u too. =)

truly,
hanafi.

p.s : i hope i dont sound cheesy.

***

this was my reply post to this guy on manjam. 

ouh, this guy, im like this no 1 secret admire. but i never msg him or wink him or whatever that may make contact with him before. i was scared. i thought he was so charming, that im not his type of guy. 

not until today, he send a msg to my profile, saying , "hi, lets get to know each other (with big smile)"

ouh, im in heavan. haha.

but guys, do u think, my reply to him a bit long n sound so excited? urgh, i hope im not.

see u guys later, n i will update his reply soon.