Y?

is a simple question to ask when we dont know what else to ask.

and that lead to my state of being now  - y am i doing this to myself?

im such a fucking loser in LOVE. oh, i believe that ill never found myself one. i dont think i deserve any.
im a total loser in studying. im screwing myself. im not good at all. if there is a rank of a total loser - i could easily b on top.

then again, y am i doing all these?

did i mention that i start to drink now? like i cant stop thinking of drinking. last week was the week of drinking.
almost every night i get myself drunk. n i feel good about it. but now i feel bad.

and last week - my second time trying stuff like getting high.

i know its not a good thing at all to write it here, but, i just want to be true to myself.

ive been hiding myself and try to deny everything i felt about stuff like drinking and get high, but now i have to admit it to myself that , i am enjoying every moment of it.

thats y i feel bad now.

i keep on saying to myself that im a real bad guy now.
if there was somekind of example of a very not good gay teenager - i can be the one.

thats all.

sincerely,
mr out of mind.