Exam da habih

penat woo. tp wtf, bukan study sgt pun. huhu. thats just me. lazy boy.
penat in the mind la, keep on thinking about the exam, but never really seriously study.

so arini last paper, i tinggal 1 soklan. siut susah. aduii x baca lak pasal journal entries for accounting. huhu. nak buat macam mana, xyah pikiaq la. da habis. aku nak enjoy ja pas ni.

shit, tp bila pikir balik, cuti sem ni, aduii punye la sekejap. aku naek flight gi sibu, montot x panass lagi dok kat umah tuh, dah kena patah balik ke utp balik.
so, dari aku bazir duit beli tket flight ke sarawak yg hanya akan memenatkan aku dalam perjalanan je, aku kali ni igt nak enjoy2 di kl.(wah, macam first time enjoy2 d kl. its like everytime kut lepak bukit bintang)

entah la, dah la badan gua macam nangka da skrg nih, macam malas nak kuar pun ada jugak ... tambah2 bila pakai baju pink hiv philosophy ni. macam nangka yg drag pun ade rasenya. cuma x pakai heels je lagi ni.


malas nya nak work out skrg ni. like very malas, i dont feel like to get fit anymore.

i like it to be like this. carefree. i dont have to jaga makan anymore - dulu kan main, punya la nak jaga makan, nasi x sentuh sebulan bulan nih. skrg, pagi nasi, tgh pagi nasi, tgh hari nasi, malam nasi,  tgh malam hot dog, eh silap, nasi jugak. aduii mana x kembumg kempis perut nih. adehh..

i really need some inspiration to get back to the normal me . xmao da jadi chubby2 ni. kalau betul2 chubby, xpe jugak, ade je chubchaser yg nak, ni chubby pun tidak, tough pun tidak, slim pun tidak, nak kate average pun x boleh.. awang awangan sangat. dah la konfius jati diri, konfius saiz badan jugak. ni dah kes teruk ni.

macam the very chronic one. shit! xmao la ckp pasal menda2 yg boleh menaikan tekanan darah aku ni. kang tekanan darah naik, aku mesti nak makan. sbb lapar kan. huwahahaha.



ape lagi aku nak ngarut sini?
xde pape kut. da. gua chow la bro.

yg ikhlas dan jujur,

mr malayu.

Never stop

ive been reviewing back what are the thing that i ve wrote in this blog.
i m here to admit it that ive been brutally abuse the usage of english in this blog. well, it does help me though in real life that now, i have this kind of good confident level to talk in english.

that is no 1 never stop. i wont stop writting.

no 2 is about my jogging and working out routine.
last night i spend a long night with my best buddy. we have this pillow talk session talking about a lot of stuff.
then he show me one of his fren in fb, which is a very hot guy.
and my point is, that guy manage to firm up his flabby and stocky body to this one hot and hunk type of body in just one month.

so i have this thing in my mind that, its possible too for me to at least firm up my body and buckle up some flabby side and build up some muscle in one month just like that guy. just that im not stocky like him la at the beginning of the routine.

im going back to perhentian island again. so far that is my plan. so to be prepare for the beach, im going to start this extreme daily routine for one week to get rid my fat in my side and firm up my muscle.
im going to start maybe a juice diet for the whole week or only eat the bread. i dont know yet. but ive come across this one site writting stuff like getting rid of fat in just one week - extreme way but only can be done in just one week and that exactly the only time i have bfore i go to perhentian.

so thats about no 2.


no 3 is never stop looking for my significant other. i m going to have a date with this guy - i will refer him as MR M from this moment. he love to jog and travel - me too. he enjoy some quite moment - me too. and he is dark and so malay look and big.
just let go and take the chance to meet him. thats all i want to do now. i know i really need some one that can control me, take care of me, that i can love him and care for him, so here we go. and we will see from there where we lead.


no 4. never stop studying. i wont. i dont want to start it all over again. its hard already for the second time. i dont want to do it again. so i wont stop studying. i will finish this. i will.


sincerely,
mr Soooooo Positive.

(thats happend when i do something good in my life like jogging i feel like all the positive energy rushing into me and make me wanna be a better person and leave all the bad side of me behind. )

i wish i am in a nightmare now.

so that, tomorrow morning, when i wake up, ill become someone i would like to be.
someone that study so hard, that his first paper is just 4 day to come.
that the next week, he is going to have 2 paper on the monday and still have 3 more paper after that.

i hope, when i wake up, my mind will stop thinking about sex because in my dream right now, all the thing that i can think of is about getting laid.

i hope that the next morning, i am actually dont have stuff like gayromeo, manjam, grindr, boyahoy, and everything.
that the next day, i will start fresh and new and cant rmmber anything about my nightmare.
that ill start do stuff like jogging and running, and swimming and working out.

i hope that the next morning, ill b the guy that people will like. that everyone will say hi to me, talk to me, not because they want something from me, but just talk.

i hope that the next morning, i can be myself again. that ill lose all the very low self-worth thing. that ill have all the self-esteem and believe in myself that i know, i can do this and that. that i have this believe that, im going to be alright and ill succeed this.

i hope that, ill be a better person. like, i dont smoke, i dont drinks, i dont do drugs and i dont do sex with random people. i hope that ill forget how cool is it to smoke, ill forget how fun is it on drug and how great is it to have sex. i hope that i know nothing about this stuff.

above all, i hope that the next morning when i wake up - i will wake up strong and start to accept of who i am.


sincerely,
mr. indenial.

Y?

is a simple question to ask when we dont know what else to ask.

and that lead to my state of being now  - y am i doing this to myself?

im such a fucking loser in LOVE. oh, i believe that ill never found myself one. i dont think i deserve any.
im a total loser in studying. im screwing myself. im not good at all. if there is a rank of a total loser - i could easily b on top.

then again, y am i doing all these?

did i mention that i start to drink now? like i cant stop thinking of drinking. last week was the week of drinking.
almost every night i get myself drunk. n i feel good about it. but now i feel bad.

and last week - my second time trying stuff like getting high.

i know its not a good thing at all to write it here, but, i just want to be true to myself.

ive been hiding myself and try to deny everything i felt about stuff like drinking and get high, but now i have to admit it to myself that , i am enjoying every moment of it.

thats y i feel bad now.

i keep on saying to myself that im a real bad guy now.
if there was somekind of example of a very not good gay teenager - i can be the one.

thats all.

sincerely,
mr out of mind.